second blog

It is not early and I wish it were earlier. Every morning I feel late, as if the one hour of time I missed would have been the most productive one. This feeling usually dissolves at some point during the day and I’m able to tell myself that tomorrow will be different; I will wake up early, I will have that hour in which all things I have not done will get done. This is only my second blog. Every day I think about my mom and most days write blogs in my head about her but I haven’t written any of them down yet. And I don’t really know why. Writing about how I feel about my mom’s Carcinoid isn’t one of those things I ever plan to do in that one elusive hour. My feelings couldn’t fit in that hour, they hang over and around me like a damp cold day when it’s cold outside and inside – maybe like Russia in the late fall or Nova Scotia in the spring. So I try to keep this feeling away. I go home more, talk to my mom on the phone more. Getting lost for a while in the normalcy of every day activities can usually make me feel like Carcinoid is just the name of some strange great-aunt who always threatens to visit but never does – so we’ve heard stories about her but never actually seen her. But despite the fact that my mom continues to live her life in so many of the ways she always has (swimming, working, organizing, gardening, looking after everything), I can see that Carcinoid is there, in all these things and it makes me scared. So scared. But whether I look at it or not it doesn’t go away; I know why my mom is doing certain things, why she is taking a special care in things, why she can’t waste the hours in a day that I do. I also know why she feels bad on Tuedays and frequently throughout the week at any given time. So I don’t like to talk about and I don’t really like to think about it, because to be honest I don’t really know how. (Can someone please tell me what I will do without my mom?).